Ann Widdecombe, perhaps

Dear Mrs MacPickle,

I have a rather strange and puzzling problem. I seem to have run out of opinions. I just don’t seem to have any left. 

I noticed it the other day when someone mentioned Meghan Markle to me. I mean it wasn’t just that I couldn’t summon up the merest hint of a shit for even apathy and disinterest is a stance of sorts. I just had no comment or thought. And I think this maybe happening with more serious issues too. The trams, Brexit, Veganism, the Reformation. No thoughts left on any of it anymore. 

Where will this end? I know that all it takes for evil to triumph is good people to do nothing. Have I slipped into such a malaise that Donald Trump will drive a tram into my back garden and begin fracking before I know it?

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My dear,

I hear your concerns and it does seem like your lack of opinion has become quite an extreme case, but one I can sort of relate to. I have caught myself with a number of conversational no-goes of late, due to shear exhaustion with certain topics, even singing ‘no Brexit no trams’ under my breath to the tune of ‘No woman no cry’.

But while a bit of malaise might serve you well in the current miserable climate, you don’t want to stay like that forever, and it won’t get the revolution won. My suggestion is that you ditch the bland royal chat and focus on somethings its simply impossible to not have a strong view on. Like dogshit hanging from bags in trees. Anne Widdecombe, perhaps. Or food served on wooden boards instead of plates. You will have your opinions flowing again in no time I am sure.

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Will Donald Trump drive a tram into my back garden and begin fracking before I know it