Protempore: “A self-serving, over-privileged thick-as-mince parasite”

Posted by in December's Magazine

It’s traditional at this time of year for our esteemed editor (are you sure? Ed) to ask me to provide you all with a little bit of crystal ball-gazing and set out what might be ahead of us after Christmas and into the New Year. As ever, I’m happy to oblige but must warn you – what follows is a small snapshot of the country you currently live in, and the country that will become home following the general election and the Brexit denouement. And as you’ve probably gathered, it’s not pretty.       

But let’s kick off on a happier note. The royal family is in turmoil as the person eighth in line to the throne, Ponce Andrew, decided to give a television interview to the BBC to try and explain away his “friendship” with the convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. Saying the interview was a car crash is like saying the Titanic encountered a bit of cold weather on its maiden voyage. The Ponce mumbled and stumbled his way through every question and made ever more fantastic stories up in order to try and convince us that he’s not a sex pest and just like all the other royals; a self-serving, over-privileged, thick-as-mince parasite. 



Apparently, he went through a period when he couldn’t sweat. This was probably when he thought he’d got away with everything and the FBI weren’t looking out their passports. He also claimed to have spent a night at one of his daughter’s birthday party’s in a Pizza Express in Woking when it’s alleged he was dancing the night away with some other teenagers in a nightclub in London while sweating like a suicide bomber driving over cobbles. The Ponce said “he had let the side down” and that Epstein’s sex offending with minors was “unbecoming”. The guy’s a grubby, mendacious, oleaginous twat and I hope his mum’s really proud of him. Should be a hoot at Sandringham this Christmas. Apparently, the family like to play charades – it’ll be fascinating watching Ponce Andrew trying to mime “Teen Wolf” in under two minutes.

What could be better just before Christmas than having an election result announced on Friday 13th December? Well, granted, almost anything, but that’s what we’ve got to look forward to in the next few weeks. Predictions? If I’m being honest, I think it will result in another hung Parliament which would deny Boris Johnson the majority he needs to crash the UK out of the EU without a deal at the end of 2020. Because make no mistake, that’s what he intends to do. 

There is a small band of people who actually think that Labour are going to cause the upset to end all upsets and oust the Tories with a majority of their own, but I sincerely doubt it. And what happens if there is another hung Parliament? Well, that’s anyone guess, but I suspect that the only way to break the Brexit impasse at that stage would be to let the people have the final say in another referendum. 

But what would we be voting for or against? Boris’s deal or remain or an alternative deal with the EU brokered by a coalition of progressive parties or remain? I’m going to stick my neck out here and say it’s likely to be the latter, but don’t put money on it.

And so, as we approach the season of goodwill, we should really think about the gifts that we’d like to give to a couple of people who have graced this column over the past year. Here goes.

For Boris Johnson, it’s a no-brainer, a vasectomy. That’s a win-win situation, as it will ensure that we won’t have to worry about any more floppy-haired charlatans emerging from a womb with a view in Kensington; and he’ll be able to finally tally up the number of children he actually does have and answer that awkward question once and for all. The vasectomy should be carried out by one of his former girlfriends wielding two bricks and wearing boxing gloves.

For Jeremy Corbyn, a map showing him the electoral landscape in Scotland after the election to remind him that the Labour Party has never recovered up here since the SNP took over in 2011. It might just make him think that the way to revive his party’s fortunes north of the border would be for Scotland to gain independence, which would result in the SNP factions finally tearing themselves apart as their shared objective had been achieved, and allow Labour to become, once again, the real voice of the poor, vulnerable and disenfranchised. 

And, for our dear editor, another road map showing the way to the Carriers Quarters – a route that for some reason he seems to forget periodically throughout the year. Said map to be delivered in a fat, brown envelope.

Happy holidays.


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