Mrs MacPickle – 122

Posted by in May's Magazine

Dear Mrs MacPickle,

A member of my extended family squeezes me just that little bit too tightly whilst regularly invading my personal space. How can I deal with this without making a distasteful face?


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Silly Old Snake

Dear SOS,

Firstly, I would suggest that you should not even attempt to refrain from making a distasteful face, as it might just be the quickest and simplest way to resolve the issue. However, if your space invader is more persistent than that I would suggest the following: Either a) try to keep a small and smelly child, preferably with copious amounts of snot, close to your person at all times b) generate static, or c) try to Out Bore him.

B and C were techniques I developed while living in a Very Cold Country, a place where personal space boundaries were for some reason particularly prone to being ignored, so I suppose B was not so much a technique but rather a consequence of endlessly shuffling around in head-to-toe artificial fur. However, it was enormously satisfying to see someone move in for a grope and quite literally watch the sparks fly.

So if you are desperate you could always get yourself a faux fur jacket, go up and down some escalators a few times and then Zap! Option C takes real grit, I remember being plagued all evening by some octopus-handed weirdo before slowly and carefully explaining to him the British notion of Cathedral Cities. He dropped me like a brick chicken. Topics recommended for Out-Boring are: (obviously) Cathedral Cities, Your Child’s Bowel Movements and Parking Spaces You Have Known. Good Luck! 

Mrs MacPickle

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