Write on Brothers & Sisters!


Posted by in May's Magazine

Solipsistic is a fantastic word. Occasionally I’ll drift off and become totally self-absorbed just thinking about it. Which is entirely appropriate. In fact it’s when I’m snuggled up in that soundproof dreamy ego-chamber, that I usually write my best/worst (delete as appropriate) work for The Leither.

That probably comes as no surprise to some. Most of my ramblings carry as much validity as the US constitution (an insanely ambitious document that is routinely used and abused as bogus justification for heinous acts by rabid fanatics of all hues). And for that, long-suffering readers, I am sorry. You deserve better. So I’m going to do the decent thing. And no, that doesn’t mean twist off my own skull and kick it into the Water of Leith to be pecked by curious cygnets and playfully bobbed by otters.

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I’m going to hand you the role – whether you want it or not – of commissioning editor for my next piece on these very pages. Never let it be said that The Leither is in thrall to a tyranny of self-regarding literary wannabes, because now you can pick from a list of possible article topics. You can even go all AV on me and indicate preferences. For, like me, I’m sure you find psephology deeply arousing. Many a night have I sat with curtains closed fingering a regional voting list. Those inky Xs are to me, like kisses. Enough of this…

Or I shall be forced to call for a nurse. Back to the glorious revolution that is the empowerment of the Leither readership. Here are the candidates for my next article – each of them a copper-bottomed classic, in my opinion – but it’s not about me anymore. Time to choose.

Article A: An exploration of the lower Leith sewage network
You’ve heard of gutter journalism. This trumps it. If chosen, this article would examine the subterranean waterways choked with outpourings from a million boozy nights and late night kebabs. Ostensibly a historical examination, there would most likely be a really masturbatory pseudo-poetical sub-narrative about how the act of cleansing one’s innards is a cathartic self-reinvention.

Article B: Is God a Leither?
A challenging piece to say the least. It would pick up on recent theories posited by eminent amateur theologians that the deity common to the world’s monotheistic religions did in fact live in a small flat on Kirk Street between 1985 and 1989. Initially a fanciful notion, this idea recently gained credence when a jakey came forward claiming to have seen God parting the Water of Leith early one morning. Just for a bit of practice. Smitten by this? Cast your vote.

Article C: Things to do in Pilrig (when you’re not dead)
Pilrig. Border territory. The DMZ between Leith and Edinburgh. A place of transition. Quite literally if you tootle down towards Bonnington. There, in the cemetery, they’ve made the transition from breathing to not breathing. For the rest of us there’s still time to kill. It you want to know how to do so within the Pilrig area, choose this interesting travelogue with a distinct local flavour.

Article D: Danny the Chimp does a Banksy
One for the kids and proof that I’m still going toe-to-toe with the zeitgeist, pointlessly that is, the zeitgeist is kicking me senseless every day. I’m laughably uncool, yet surprisingly comfortable with the fact. But anyway, in this charming piece of throwaway fiction, young primate Danny, seeking gainful employment in the Leith area stumbles upon a can of spray paint and dupes the world into thinking he’s overrated, anarcho-jokester recluse Banksy. His relentless advance towards counter-cultural sainthood ironically plays out the threat issued by Banksy’s own spray painting of a chimp. Includes an asthmatic dog called Gary.

Article E: Desert Island Swearbox
Cue the music. If you’re of a certain age and demographic, you’ll have the dreamy intro from the long-running Radio 4 classic playing in your head right now. Depending on your proclivities you may also be feeling a little ‘twitch’ as you think of Kirsty Young. Not me. I’m more of a Sue McGregor fan. That minx. Anyway, in a bastardisation of the famous format, this article would feature the 8 curses I would deem indispensable if left as a castaway on a desert island – with accompanying explanation. To tempt you to make this your first choice article I’ll give you a small taster. One of the 8 would be bawbag.

And that, folks, is your list of runners and riders. All that remains is for you to exercise your new-found power and decide which of the articles above you wish to see me write for the next issue of The Leither. You can do it via the comments box beneath this article when it appears on the Leither website. Needless to say I await the people’s verdict with a suitably solemn and dutiful countenance.

Web Editor’s note: You can leave a comment below, or vote on The Leither’s Facebook Page. Vote Here!

Illustration: Bernie Reid

 

5 responses to “Write on Brothers & Sisters!”

  1. jonathan says:

    my vote is in on facebook.

  2. callum says:

    why's there no "all of the above" option Colin?

  3. Pab says:

    Fun idea! I'm going for 'Is god a Leither'.

  4. Albie says:

    I'm with the guy (girl?) above is god a leither.could be blasphemy.

  5. kami says:

    Article B: Is God a Leither : DISCUSS. hahaha

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