Near Pavillion – Issue 66

Posted by in July's Magazine

Mother, why is it that black people want to be white and white people want to be black?” I woke sharply from this recurring dream of my astute childhood and thought about the day ahead. First, and most importantly, finish the bout of energetic sex I’d started last night with Kelly Brook and Jude Law, then begin the tiresome round of press interviews to promote my latest autobiographical novel. Enigmatically entitled Leopold Simpson – Dreams of my Father. It deals with my intimate relationship with my pater – Formula 1 driver, stunt- man, ex-miner, publishing magnate, lover, fighter and general all round nice guy, Frank F.W. de Simpson.

The book has something to offer women and men from all walks of life but, in the main, I feel that fashion obsessed homosexual cycling fanatics with a low I.Q. and even lower self respect will have most to gain. The book (and film, surely?) centres on the year 1985 and my father’s attempt to bring the legendary Tour De France to Fife, with the help of his fast expanding media conglomerate. His empire featured such great titles as Dads as Lads, Sex and Composting, the ever-unpopular Shavers Weekly, and the incredibly success- ful monthly publication aimed specifically at the burgeoning women’s market entitled Which Kitchen Sink? Simpson Snr. had intended to bring not just the prologue but also several stages of The Tour to the Kingdom – just over the water from where you are probably enjoying these 800 words with your cappuccino, cinzano or midori 20 20. (You’re probably thinking I deserve a full two-page centre spread – and you’re right – but sadly I simply don’t have the time.) Dad would have ‘pulled it off’ as well if it hadn’t been for the constant interference of one pesky kid, Alistair Darling. Now grey haired ex-chancellor, then upcoming young upstart with a hairstyle and beard reminiscent of the illustrations from The Joy of Sex manuals.


Sexual exhaustion
Desperate to catch the eye of anyone who’d notice, he denigrated my father’s every attempt to enliven the world’s most exciting cycle race. These included the Lochgelly/Cowdenbeath Rabid Dog Sprint Stage. A fairly self-explanatory concept, it was designed specifically to boost the number of casual observers, given the interest in dog fighting in Fife at the time. The idea being my father’s Staffies would be unleashed on the peloton as they arrived at Lochgelly until shot with tranquillisers as the cyclists passed the New Goth Bar in Cowdenbeath. Also rejected were the Big Bings of Ballingry Hill Climb Section and the truly visionary  Lumphinans Angry Amphetamine Anal Suppository Time Trial. Even his innovative efforts to get Tennents Super and Embassy Regal to sponsor the feed stations were thwarted by the PC Brigade – a gang of well-organised computer literate youngsters with family problems due to alcohol dependency and high lung cancer rates amongst their parents. Suffice to say he narrowly missed out in his effort to put the Kingdom back on the map but revenge was sweet when he scuppered Linda McCartney’s efforts to bring the Winter Olympics to MacMerry shortly before her untimely death. Whilst on the subject of The Tour Of France fans of Le Grand Boucle will be both delighted and disappointed to know that the tawdry down-market Tourmalet Tavern will be showing coverage each day in their newly refurbished Irish themed snug, O’Brannigan Flannigan McGinty Jinty Juniors. It wouldn’t surprise me if they tried to capitalise on the two tour stages going over the legendary Col Du Tourmalet to commemorate the 100th anniversary of Le Tours first visit to the Pyrenees in 1910. Let’s just hope that the staff refuse to wear the tight, tight, revealing Lycra outfits already specially printed for the occasion.

Fans and stalkers will undoubtedly be interested to know my selections of possible winners and losers for The Race but sadly I will be keeping these to myself, as I know the odds will rapidly decrease as thousands of you race to your local bookmakers to place your hard earned cash on my advice.

But what, I hear you cry, of local Links-based cricketing heroes Leith Beige? Well sad to say I had to take a few weeks off in June for personal reasons (sexual exhaustion) and in my absence they’ve hit a bit of a slump League wise. However the Cup Specialists are in no less than three semi-finals so hopefully some silverware may be in the offing. It’s a good job too as I’ve already sent out the invites for our End Of Season Success Barbeque at headquarters and can confirm Liz Hurley, Peter Andre, Ricky Ponting, Katie Price and ex-councillor Tom Ponton are all, thankfully, not able to make it. Yours thoughtfully – Leopold ‘Leo’ Simpson xx

One response to “Near Pavillion – Issue 66”

  1. […] are you? Issue 66 is ready to make a nuisance of itself… Middle East conflict? Louche Dandies? Tour de France (sort of)? An appreciation of Paul Reekie? Along with an overview of the Edinburgh Film Fest, 450 […]

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