Near Paviliion – Issue 63
Posted by Leopold in April's Magazine
When Kevin Bacon first phoned up to interview me for The New Yorker I wasn’t sure. Why? – Footloose, Tremors and Father of the Bride 2 – That’s why. He wasn’t actually in the Steve Martin led project but he sat next to me at the premier in San Diego and blew off right at the start of it – what a stench! I could barely finish my third box of popcorn, I did of course, a gentleman always does, but it was a struggle and struggling and big Leo Simpson do not make for easy bed partners.
As has happened previously, it was close friends Michael Winner and ‘the lovely’ Geraldine who came to my rescue. They were going to be in Scotland’s capital at the same time and had a spare suite at the New Balmoral; this made it possible to cover many of my usual yet sometimes difficult requirements during any interview.
I’m no Maria or Britney but just like my uncle (Frank Simpson) I have certain demands, these are as follows; unlimited supply of Romeo e Julieta No 2 cigars, a place to smoke said cigars that will preferably at some point be inhabited by non-smoking persons under the age of 16, a butler who will smoke said cigars for me if I have decided that I can’t be bothered, two copies of the footage of Tommy Simpson’s tragic death on Mount Ventoux in the 1964 Tour de France – on DVD and BETAMAX video formats, a signed photograph of Hugo Fluendy (pre 2002), a foodstuff named after the interviewer – in this case not so difficult, 4 capsules of tramadol, a spacehopper, 14 litres of Grey Goose Vodka, a 300ml bottle of water (tap) and at least three albums by The Backstreet Boys. There are some don’ts as well.
No pictures of Martin Scorsese, Martin Landau and that wank from the BT adverts, no eye contact (unless knighted) after 10 pm, and please, no discussion or questions about my 4 year intense, jealous, tempestuous, difficult, draining, robust relationship with Russian cyclist Vladimir Karpets. We had our good times we had our average times but now it’s over – he has signed a new contract with Russian sponsored outfit Katusha (not won a race since the Tour Of Switzerland 99, Vlad) and I write highly successful film scripts and 800 words for The Leither pamphlet each month. We’ve gone our separate ways we have our own careers and that’s that. We don’t talk about that any more, not in interviews with the New Yorker anyway,
Kevin (Mr. Bacon to you), ‘always the bridesmaid never the bride’ to me, arrives at 7pm as arranged wearing the floral print dress and blond wig, also arranged. We briefly discuss my decision to have sexual congress with Sandra Bernhard rather than Madge and after he agrees with my poignant forthright argument it’s down to business.
He is naturally curious about my latest film Leith Beige II’s – The Legend of Cornie’s Gold and he’s right to be – it’s a rip-roaring tale of sexual torment, more sexual torment, a little bit more sexual torment, money, greed and brutal unashamed proud flatulence set against the backdrop of a working class cricket team subjugated by their own lack of confidence and sexual prowess, until, thank god, a hero arrives… me!
I was meant to be played by Tom Berenger but on my insistence the role was given to Wesley Snipes after several nude auditions at The Tourmalet Bar on Iona St, a tiresome building but at least they have a good stage in the back room. Kevin asked why I would have a person of different race and colour play me in a Hollywood movie. I had to restrain myself, count to 12 and then comment that it’s a film about human nature – not form or appearance – it’s the spirit of the human soul that must come across to the enthralled viewer.
Having seen the rushes let me just say that Wesley’s depiction of the Leopold Simpson character is a cross between the big fella in The Green Mile and Morgan Freeman playing Mandela in what ever the fuck that film was called – other things to note about this soon to be screened sensation is that the role of Middsie is played by Roger E Mosely (TC from Magnum PI) and Tam Heinitz is essayed by Yusuf Islam (Cat Stevens). After the interview, Kev and I went out late ‘n’ live and, unusually for Leither contributors, managed to get past Pilrig church and have a wonderful evening in ‘The Street’. We got tipsy on quality cocktails. Though Kevin stopped speaking to me soon after we meet the increasingly youthful Peter Irvine M.B.E.
C’est la vie… a bientot
Leo Simpson