Home thoughts from abroad


Posted by in February's Magazine

Dear Sean,

As we enter a new decade it’s time to reflect upon what has been an incredibly busy year here in Scotland; there have been a few problems with the economy, but the Westminster parliament is getting the blame for that, however the downfall of our two major banks is a little embarrassing. Imagine it’s costing £14,000 per person in the UK to bail them out! Still, every cloud has a silver lining and when we finally get independence we will have a nicely stabilised Bank of Scotland and Royal Bank of Scotland, all paid for by the taxpayers of the UK – marvellous isn’t it! The demise of Flyglobespan was very disappointing but we managed to deflect that as well – there won’t be any business failures in an independent Scotland, we are far too canny to allow that to happen. Of course it gave us the opportunity to lambast the BBC again; we come out all guns blazing when they don’t mention Scotland in the news, then complain bitterly when they do, but its linked to bad news – it’s a lose, lose situation for them and win, win for us and they don’t know if they are coming or going! It won’t be nearly so much fun when we have our own Scottish Broadcasting Company. We will have to content ourselves with complaining about perceived Glasgow bias instead!

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Never trust the Welsh
We have been doing well with keeping the Scottish parliament in the news, but our less than trustworthy Celtic cousins the Welsh have been stirring it recently; they have come up with a plan that would remove the Barnett formula and replace it with something based upon ‘need’ rather than headcount. This would reduce the revenue into Scotland by millions of pounds and increase funds to Wales! Never trust the Welsh I say. A popped up Principality of conquered people with a ‘kiddy on’ parliament; we will have to watch them closely in future.

Still while the Westminster government have been struggling with the recession we have been concentrating on the real issues of the day ‘homecoming’ and the ‘independence referendum’. Homecoming was so wonderful! Events were held throughout the land with the centrepiece, of course, being The Gathering in Holyrood Park. You should have seen it; Clan chiefs holding court, with kilts and tartans as far as the eye could see. All your friends from the USA were here, as well as Canadians and Aussies; it was so wonderful to welcome these true Scots home! And we were well underway for the next event, to be held at Bannockburn, until the trading company went bust, trailing a string of debtors in its wake.
The weather has been a little too authentic recently, snow is fine for looking at in photographs but it’s bloody inconvenient when you are wanting a round of golf; it played havoc with my handicap! Which reminds me, the plans for your new residence are going well and it is still top secret. The plans look wonderful, 60 acres of land adjacent to Mr Trump’s new visionary golf course, hermetically sealed with a constant temperature of 82 degrees in the daytime. You will be able to lounge on your own beach and swim in the sea (kept at a constant 32 degrees). Of course it will be a midge free environment and there will even be an underground electric tram to take you to the golf course. Much of the funding is coming from the sponsorship deal we have signed with the owners of the Japanese whisky you like so much and a life time supply of it will be part of the deal! I know how much you suffer in the cold and damp, but honestly within the confines of this architectural gem you would never know you were in Scotland! I do hope you might come home once it is built and have a look.

Unionist apologists
As always, we much appreciate your continuing interest in all things Scottish and look forward to your inspirational statements on how wonderful Scotland is. Did your Christmas card arrive okay? The picture of the little girl carrying the saltire has caused a few problems with the Unionist apologists and the Church became involved, asking where the Christmas message was, but let’s face it, Christmas is not a truly Scottish festival and the sooner we get back to promoting Hogmanay as the only true winter festival the better! Finally let me know whether you will want to attend Ibrox or Parkhead on your next visit, I understand your discomfort at seeing all those Union flags at Ibrox and having to listen to God Save the Queen, but as you say the food is so much better there!
Yours in anticipation

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