The Near Pavillion – Issue 57

Posted by in October's Magazine

The Near Pavillion 5: Winter – doubts and depression. Down at the gym today Sir Elton finished his last set of 400lb freestanding squats, let out a small groan, then turned around and asked me: “Dear Leo, how ever do you get through the winter and its terrible weather without the brash, high octane excitement of leather on willow in the East of Scotland league division 5?”
Hankie, as I call him, had a very good point. How does one get from being at the very top level of sexy, sensational, East of Scotland cricket league division 5, to pumping iron in The Omni Centre Virgin gym with a very pleasant yet slightly overweight wig wearing old pouff?

Cameron fucking Diaz that’s how! You’ll remember last month readers, all was well with me and ‘The Camster’ heading off to Spain, France and Italy to follow the cycle racing that Cameron loves so much. Well it’s not just the cycling she loves but also the cyclists themselves – that’s what she’s really after! I admit, I did have to service Tina Turner in her house above Villefranche on the way to Italy – that was just a favour for the old girl – but there was surely no need for Cameron to go and bag off with Belgian sensation Big Tom Boonen right under my snout. Still, last laugh was on her though when he confessed his true feelings for me at Sir Cliff Richard’s party after the Tour of Lombardy…Mind you, that’s another highly charged sensual story that couldn’t possibly be contained in my 800 word column here, so we’ll just have to imagine the details won’t we ‘Leithers?’



(Good news for the more sauce-minded readership out there though, The Shavers Weekly – ‘the paper that cares’ – has decided to serialise my more ‘sensual’ manoeuvres. Entitled simply Leith Beige Nights – Leopold Simpson in the fast lane. It builds week by week into a soggy, groggy, novelette and should be available in the New Year).

Truth is, readers, I had to dump Cammy very publicly on her undeniably tidy rump in Naples – between her begging forgiveness and Tom Boonen following me around like a lost, wet hamster, I needed to get back to reality. I had to leave and leave quickly. The reality that I needed turned out to be winter nets – proper manly indoor cricket nets. With my big, bold, unattractive teammates in the Leith Beige Seconds – real men like Ben and Gav – with their highly unorthodox attitudes to bowling and life itself. I also needed to touch base with the common man like our groundskeeper and mood swing expert Steven ‘Adonis’ Middleton. ‘Middsie’ immediately put me at ease by discussing his break up with Julia Roberts in late 2002.

It was at the nets during a particularly uninspiring practice that things took a turn for the better. Sir Elton, who never lets a true friend down, had remembered our session at the Omni where I showed him how we could gain an inch on our biceps in 24 hours, using nothing but hard work, descending sets, pineapple juice and chicken breasts. As payback he had taken time out to look at bowling techniques made popular by Australian fast bowler Mervin Hughes in the 70s. “It’s your ball grip” Elton said, “You’re grabbing the ball all wrong. Look at this.” Needless to say the rest of the session took a dramatic turn – with me taking no wickets and getting battered all over the place – so Elton’s advice was useless – but very nice of him to make the effort.

Better information was to follow later at the Witchery during supper with Jeremy Irons, Cat Deeley, Simon Cowell, a gregarious Kevin Costner and a strangely muted Pete Irvine. A well-lubricated evening containing the fullest and frankest of chat was enjoyed by all, though during the meal Pete Irvine and Simon Cowell had a blazing row! Funny thing, during the fracas, (over the original colour of carrots), myself and Kev (Costner) sat back and decided they must have been separated at birth – they are so genuinely interchangeable! Other than that it was business as usual…Later I told Sir Elton – I told him simple and straight – “Hankie, the only thing that changed for me when I won the lottery three years ago is that now the person that I send out to get my cigars actually knows what they’re doing.”

So there we go. Winter is just around the corner and things can seem bleak – but one must keep on the up regardless of your personal situation. The power of the mind over the body must be brought to the fore and, if you feel that playing with your own genitalia might improve the situation – then just go for it. That’s what I do…

Next Month: We look ahead to next season’s possibilities, what not to wear, what not to suck, and Steven Middleton on the dos and definately dont’s whilst on a strict vegan diet.

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